I got triggered this weekend. I got feedback that, to me, implied that I lacked compassion. I could tell I was hooked because I felt guilty and uneasy. I immediately started listening to the mental story I was running and heard my old familiar theme song playing … “You are so self centered and selfish – you're incapable of caring for anybody… blah-blah.”
At first I ignored it's ragging on … but then I realized I was in a downward swirl that was begging for intervention. So finally I took it into inquiry — “I lack compassion … is that true?” I was prompted to explore my definition for compassion … what is it and what isn't it? “do I even WANT to have it?” I realized that the notion of having or not having compassion was all about the person telling the story and had nothing to do with me. In other words, everybody has their own story about me – some will see me as compassionate – others won't. But that has nothing to do with me. It's MY story that makes the difference in how I feel – not what others believe about me. They don't need to change their minds about me … I do!
I recognized that I had believed the old “you're incapable of love” story about myself for a long time and negatively judged myself for it. Of course, the Universe would bring me someone to mirror my own inner judge. How else would I get the opportunity to “hear” my own inner persecutor if not through the powerful mirror of another? The feedback brought me the chance to make conscious and clear another level of that old story. Due to that outer prompting I was able to re-discover the dispassionate witness in myself, the one who sees with acute clarity because she is unhampered by emotionalism of any kind.
I had long ago decided she was unacceptable because of her detachment. I judged her as “bad” because I did not understand how vital her role is in my life process.
I am feeling so grateful for it tonight … there is more inner space in realizing that this dispassionate witness [B]is[/B] acceptable, with a legitimate role in my life and not, as I unconsciously believed, something insensitive and uncaring.
As a result of following my reaction inward, I've been given the opportunity to clear another piece – bringing me that much closer to unencumbered freedom!
Blessings, Lynne