photo credit: gideon_wright
In this mornings practice I was asking myself the question, “Why do I blog about my process so openly? What are my underlying intentions? How much of it is ego-driven? I let those questions roll around in my mind as I breathed and stretched on my yoga mat.
In my practice, rather than trying to silence the mind, I attempt to follow my mental noise into quietness. In other words, I practice allowing my thoughts to be while I stand back from them and observe them, rather than attempting to enforce silence upon them. I meet my thoughts with an attitude of mild curiosity, and gently question their accuracy, especially zeroing-in on the ones that are causing angst. (I also meditate on the thoughts that bring me joy and comfort 🙂 ) I find that silence happens naturally as the thoughts that object to reality dissolve.
But I digress – back to my morning practice – I was asking about my intentions in sharing my ideas freely, and exposing my inner process so openly online, while I observed what my mind did with those thoughts.
The first thought that came up was in the form of a question that had produced feelings of unworthiness in me for years: “who do I think I am?” I saw the underlying belief clearly; “I am not worthy”; that core belief has been a thought loop I've explored many times, and learned much from. Because I had disrobed it so often, I was able to move past its shame-producing snare fairly quickly this time, and on to the next strata of thoughts.
The next thought that surfaced was, “they won't approve” – another line of thought with which I was familiar. I quickly reviewed in my mind how I act and react when I think people need to approve of me: I saw what I do when trying to manage others opinion of me. The image was a painful one. I recalled how differently I respond to life when I'm focused on Source instead. My preference was immediate – I'd tested it enough to know that the quality of my life is greatly enhanced when I focus my attention on Source. I let go of the need to believe that thought and moved on.
Such incisive pondering prompted me to ask myself bluntly, “So, what's the truth? Am I putting all this out there in the hopes of gaining fame and fortune, for ego gain? Or am I simply obeying (inner) orders?
I think honestly, the answer is ‘yes' to both questions.
Ego is that part of me that believes fame or wealth will do something for me. It likes the idea of thinking its a somebody. But it does not rule completely. There is also the ardent desire to be used for the purposes of the Great Master, Source, empty of the need for fame or wealth. Like most humans, I am neither completely empty, nor completely full, of desire for external accomplishments, but am, instead, some uneven combination of both. (It's my daily practice that helps me stay wop-sided on the side of Source.)
I am someone who has questioned my motives and desires for material gain enough to realize that the best deal going comes from aligning with Source. The best protection, most security, abundance, and the greatest peace all come from Source – and I want it with my whole heart.
I am also the ego who is delighted when people appreciate my writing and share their delight by passing it on to others. I have hopes and dreams for projects that would benefit from cash flow and I would love for my words to help provide it…. So, I am both ego and spiritual desire. This is the what-isness of my present state of consciousness, but daily I practice tipping myself over into pure longing, less and less afraid of giving up more and more of me.
There is another answer to my questions regarding my motives. It is perhaps the most simple, straightforward answer, it is this: I can't seem to resist writing about consciousness – my own and the process of consciousness in others.
I just can't seem to resist the urge to report on the findings of my experiments with consciousness in the laboratory of my daily life. I am amazed by the discoveries of how the mind influences the outcomes in our life and I am awed by the dialog we get to have with a Living Intelligence, the Master Source of the Universe.
So come fire or high water, whether or not you (or I) approve or disapprove, whether it's ego driven or Source driven, I write.
Thanks for indulging my obsession. 🙂
Blessings, Lynne
5 Responses
Thank you Rahul, I like your story about my intentions best. 🙂
Blessings, Lynne
Thanks alot Lynne :-)…..and thank God for Internet.
I realized contemplating this that its really been about how i perceive myself and my actions.Its true that i thought that who i really was was what i thought myself to be.The switch has brought in alot push and pull inside of me and i see now that for most part i thought of myself as broken and in need of fixing.
I’ve read alot about victim consciousness but it didn’t really hit home as it has done now.I chose to believe the limiting thoughts about myself and so life reflected just what i chose to believe as true…
Its so beautiful to just know that nothing needs fixing except to just remind myself every time who i really am..
I do need to work on observing how i think of myself and others and wether its in line with what i know my true nature to be..thank you.
Dear Lynne
I think your blogging is about your desperation to share the ocean of love that wants to flow out of you.. is that true?
and the ego centric part you are talking about, my interpretation is that it is about the healthy desire to receive love… you give love .. you receive love… creates a health flow and balance.
about the cash flow… i am feeling like quoting shakespeare here ( albeit in a slightly different context )
“If it be now, ’tis not to come;
if it be not to come, it will be now;
if it be not now, yet it will come
—the readiness is all.”
With gratitude and love
Rahul
PS: Thanks for the beautiful comment you posted above.
Its these different aspects of who i really i am that feel confusing sometimes.The more i do self inquiry and wonder about the sense of self the more i feel that for me, most of what i have desired was for the purpose of filling up a sense of separation i felt deep within.The underlying need was for self recognition.
What became frustrating was the aspect of not finding smething that could fill this up or the inability to achieve something that would.My mind tries to create illusions of what it feels can solve this dilemma but now it only feels like a story i try to tell to make me feel better.
I know now that its not the other person/situation that derives this feeling of being separate/not in control of my present moment.My mind trys to come up with one solution after the other of how i can feel better,but i still feel lost in trying to eliminate this feeling of being separate.
I have tried in the past to find a relationship that would cure this but often came out looking needy and desperate.
I often feel triggered by happy families and people seeming to have a sense of direction of where they are going and now i realize that its because i haven’t really figured out my centrer.
Hi Tracy, I understand how confusing it can feel when we begin to realize we are not who we thought we were. For years we simply believed the thoughts we were having, without questioning them at all. But now we suspect we are not the beliefs we have come to call “me.” That realization may be what is causing the sense of separation you speak of – if so, it is one I know well. I feel it anytime I believe limiting thoughts like that which you express above … For instance, “I have a void in me that I must figure out how to fill …” Is that true? How do you move through life when you believe that thought? Such questioning takes us out of the mind-made self, out of the ideas we have attached to and that make up our identity. We are left to discover who we really are in relation to the universe – we must align with reality which means to understand its basic guiding principles. Otherwise we are left wandering, and wondering, who we are if not our mind-made identities. I’ve included these principles below – these are the basic fundamentals I fall back on whenever I am questioning my story – I hope they help you too. Blessings, Lynne
Here are the basic principles of reality, as I see them:
1. We are free agents, able to choose what thoughts we will believe. The thoughts we believe will determine the quality of our life experience.
2. Our thoughts determine our vibrational frequency. When we believe we are at the mercy of a heartless, fearful world, we see ourselves as victims and will experience low fre quency thoughts and feelings (thoughts that create fear, depression, isolation, resentment, jealousy, etc). When we believe we are protected, loved and prompted by a Loving Source, we experience high frequency feelings (love, safety, acceptance, joy, satisfaction, peace, etc). The frequency we line up with (called alignment) determines the quality of our life.
3. We are made up of a trinity: mental/spirit, soul/emotion, and physical body. Balancing these three aspects brings us into alignment with the highest possible frequency: Source.
4. The world acts as a mirror that reflects our own state of consciousness. We project our beliefs onto the world where they are reflected back to us. We then react in ways that prove to us that what we believe is true. We tend to think our beliefs come from our life experiences, but the opposite is true: our experiences most often come from what we believe. This is how we create our personal reality.
5. Our personal reality comes from what we believe. Our beliefs become the reality we see and experience in physical form. In other words, we manifest our beliefs. If we have beliefs that breed feelings of peace and harmony, we will see peace and harmony all around us. If our beliefs are full of strife and conflict, then strife and conflict will be our reality.
6. Life is cyclic in nature. Like a wheel, life goes round and round; sometimes we are on top, sometimes we are on the bottom, but how we see these rotations determines how we are affected by the wheel of life, not the circumstances of life. We either perceive ourselves as victims and feel at the mercy of life’s ups and downs, or we move into observer consciousness and witness life as a reflection of our own mind from which we can learn.
7. All of our feelings and behavior come from what we think and believe and not from external causes. There are no exceptions. In other words, we act the way we do because of the thoughts we believe. We will automatically act according to the beliefs we hold as true.
8. What we focus on expands. Attention is a way of directing energy and automatically feeds whatever we are paying attention to. That means the more we resist something the bigger it gets.
9. Whatever we judge and condemn within ourselves, we deny and then project onto something or someone outside ourselves that we then judge and fight. What we judge as unacceptable in others is something we have not admitted or accepted in ourselves.
10. There are no mistakes, no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason and/or has a purpose. To see it any other way is to be in victim consciousness.
11. There is another reality. It is the deep peace that is always available in the eternal, present moment, no matter what else is going on.
12. We are emanations of what I call the One Universal Mind, or simply, Source that is ever present and always radiating its benevolent Light (consciousness) upon us. Everything is made of Source energy and vibrates at its own particular frequency.
13. We are vibrational beings who are attracted to (and who attract to us) people and situations with a similar vibrational frequency.
14. Source is always here for us. It reaches out to us just as we seek it. It never stops supporting us, and is closer to us than our own skin.
Thanks Tracy for giving me this opportunity to share the guiding principles – I blogged a separate post about it too.)