There are times when we may feel emotionally or verbally attacked by a friend or family member “out of nowhere.” Or perhaps you've watched yourself act out in a painful, destructive way.
Why do we suddenly strike out in such ways? To put it simply, it's because the unhappy story, which we assume is true, gets triggered. And when it does, we go into defense mode, which generally starts with blaming someone else for our pain and suffering.
For instance, we may believe that we are unlovable, therefore no one can be trusted, or that the world is dangerous and everybody is out to hurt us or take something away from us; those sort of beliefs bring on feelings of distrust, resentment, and paranoia and then we automatically act in ways that will prove our unhappy story to be true. So this means that if we go in to knee jerk reaction when our friend or loved one is triggered and jumps down our throat, and we react defensively, we actually only help them prove their own unhappy story to be true, which then gives them justification (at least in their mind) to retaliate. The war is on!
Bottom line is that once we understand this, it allows us a conscious choice: A) We can go into full blown react, see ourselves as being at the mercy of their outrageous behavior (victim) and jump on the Victim Triangle with them, or B) We can choose to see them as our present opportunity for refinement. 
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The challenge is to learn to be kind to both ourselves AND them.
Seek to see the story behind the reaction and use that understanding to better respond (rather than to react) from a place of self-responsibility and kindness – towards the other as well as towards yourself.
Remember it's not a question of whether or not to tolerate abuse at the hands of another – of course we don't set ourselves up to be someone's whipping post, however, rather than trying to control or change the other persons behavior (good luck with that! ;)) we learn to focus instead on refining our own consciousness by learning to practice becoming the best and highest example of Reality and peace possible.
This may sound like a tall order – but really is it any harder than the misery and prolonged suffering we create for one another when we react blindly our of our unhappy stories instead?