by Lynne on June 19, 2009
photo credit: prudencebrown121
Fear is the driving emotion when we are in victimhood. Regardless of what role on the Victim Triangle we may be operating out of, fear predominates because victimhood comes out of fear based thinking.
In life there are two prevailing emotional frequencies: “Love” or “Fear.” Every feeling falls into one or the other of those two categories.
Emotional responses generated by fear include anger, hurt, shame, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression, grief, etc. Such feelings cause contraction and shut down the heart. Such feelings leave us feeling “at the mercy of” what we perceive, as victims, to be a scary world.
Emotional responses generated from love include joy, congruency, happiness, connection, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance, trust, etc. These emotional responses open the heart and align us with a higher life frequency. They are feelings that align us with a loving Universal Source that guides and protects us.
“A Course In Miracles” states that love and fear cannot inhabit the same space at the same time because they have such opposing vibrational frequencies. We are either functioning out of the lower “fear” frequency or we are aligned with and transmitting the higher “love” vibration.
Our work is to “adjust” our emotional frequency from fear to a higher frequency where love prevails.
by Lynne on June 16, 2009
photo credit: aj_uva91
I often talk to clients about the importance of “loving ourselves.” They often nod their heads -after all, it sounds good - but, in reality, they, like most of us, have no idea of how to go about doing it.
What does it mean to “love ourselves?”
To love ourselves means that we put ourselves at the top of our priority list. We do that by assuming complete responsibility for ourselves. Assuming self-responsibility is how we free ourselves from Victimhood. There’s no greater act of friendship towards ourselves than that!
We are the only one who can live our life. No one else can do that for us and we can’t live anyone else’s life. This awareness seems obvious, and yet it is something many of us fail to understand. We seem to think if we take good care of others, then they will return the favor and that’s how it’s supposed to work! Only it doesn’t work like that at all. When we neglect ourselves to care for others, we pay dearly and so do they.
We tend to think it is selfish somehow to make choices based on what’s best for us and so instead we base our decisions on what others want or will approve of. We then end up resentful and blaming when things don’t work out well. All because we consider everyone else’s desires, needs and opinions before our own.
When we “take care of” others at our own expense, we are being unloving towards ourselves. In this way, we unconsciously teach them to discount and neglect us too! We show others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. In other words, we teach others how to “mistreat” us!
We can start loving ourselves better by refusing to do anything that we will later regret. Instead we make our choices based on what is truly best for us.
When we do what it truly right for us, whether or not they agree with us, everyone wins!
Try it and see for yourself!
by Lynne on June 11, 2009
photo credit:Sarah G…
Thoughts, much like pollen or germs in the air, are rampant. They are everywhere. They don’t originate in our minds, but belong to the collective universe. As Byron Katie is fond of saying, “There are no new, or original, stressful thoughts!”
In the same way germs or allergens affect those with weak immune systems, we, too, are “infected” by negative thoughts, if and when our “mental immunity” is compromised . Only then are we susceptible to the “germs,” i.e. negative thoughts, that surround us.
Our “mental immunity” is weakened by years of believing negative thoughts/beliefs/”stories” about ourselves and others and this leaves us susceptible to the stressful thoughts that run through the mind.
When our “mental immunity” is high, negative thoughts, like germs, may enter the mind but they don’t “stick,” they just move on through. Our job is to investigate and adjust any thought that causes us unhappiness so we can build our “mental immunity” against negativity.
photo credit: 666isMONEY <3
Here’s a question for you; Are you absolutely SURE that your assumptions about life are right?
Recently, a friend was talking to me about an idea that he was excited about. Suddenly a fly buzzed by. Unconsciously, I waved the fly away from my face and my friend stopped in mid-sentence and said, “What? … you don’t like it?” (referring to his proposal) In other words, he took my distracted gesture as a sign of disapproval.
This seemingly trivial example illustrates how easy it is to jump to a conclusion about reality that, in fact, may have nothing to do with it! Just that quick, we can be hijacked by our minds into believing a negative, unhappy story. In the time it took to wave a fly away, my precious friend had decided that I didn’t like what he was saying!
But it is not just my friend who engages in such hasty reactions, we all do it.
We see, hear, experience something and immediately decide what it means. We then project that meaning ( our story) onto the external situation and call it “what really happened.” (I find it humorous that we tend to equate such mental activity with being “smart!” :))
This interpreting and projecting of story describes well the nature of the human mind. We are “story makers.” And what’s amazing is that most of us spend our whole lives doing it (making up stories about reality and then acting as if they are true) and it never occurs to us that we’re doing it! It would be hilarious if it were not so painful.
Back to my friend & his quick reaction …
What if he had not asked me for immediate clarification? What if he had “assumed” my hand gesture was meant to wave him away, instead of the fly? What direction do you imagine our conversation might have taken then?
But because he DID ask, he was able to “clear” his presumptions/story and proceed unimpeded by his mistaken “story.” We, too, must learn to stop and ask the question, “What??? Is what I tell myself I’m seeing what I’m really seeing?”
Again I ask, “Do you absolutely KNOW that your assumptions/”story” about your present situation is true?”
In the interest of peace it may be worth a closer investigation.
photo credit: Chesi - Fotos CC
As therapists, we often talk to clients about the difficulty and the importance of “setting boundaries.” Being able to say no to people when we need to IS important; to speak clearly and openly about what works for us and what doesn’t is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. There’s no arguing that!
However - I have observed for some of us that “setting boundaries” can become a “therapeutically correct” way to control or threaten others into doing it our way.
What’s the difference?
Chances are, if we are delivering a diatribe about how we “won’t put up with” or “will not tolerate” something, we are doing more than “setting boundaries.”
Chances are, if we are “setting them straight about … ” or “not letting them get away with” something, we are more likely attempting to intimidate or bully the other person, because we feel threatened. None of these examples are what “setting boundaries” is all about.
So what does it mean to have “healthy boundaries?”
Boundaries is a word that is used in therapeutic circles to define our personal space. It requires that we know what is and what is not included in such space. To set a boundary means that we are clear, in our own minds first, about what is important, even essential to us, and then we are able to communicate that to the people we share space with.
The truth is that when we have healthy boundaries in place, we rarely need to verbally express them at all! We exude them naturally! Healthy boundaries come across quite well, and appropriately, in the confident & respectful way we stand, move and share with others.
Chances are if we find ourselves talking a lot about “having,” “needing,” or “setting boundaries,” we probably don’t have healthy ones at all.
Healthy boundaries are a two way street. We know what we want and need and recognize and respect the wants and needs of others. Healthy boundaries involve clear communication, respect for ourselves and others and a strong sense of permission to ask for what we want and need and the ability to hear others do the same with us. They are transmitted from the inside out and originate from a healthy sense of self.